Being Rinko

Hello everybodyyy,

Omg this time round my hiatus lasted for 3 months haha, time really flies innit! I worked and supper with my friends till like 540am and only slept around 8am this morning. Stupid me forgot to switched off my alarm so it started ringing at 12pm and now, I am surviving with 4 hours of sleep when I have a long day ahead -.-.

So I'm here because I happened to chance upon something online and it got me really emotional.. And i just want to pen this feeling that I'm having down so i can look back and remind myself never to get myself into such situations again.. I know i still owe this person on my ask.fm a proper blog post but can we leave it to next time pleaseeee? hehe, thank you for checking on my blog i feel like i am a blogger because I have you, this one reader who reads my blog hahaha.

Anyway, let's begin.

Life has been a fucking mess for the past few weeks, not much different from the one that i mentioned in my previous blogpost because yes, I got fucked in a relationship again ):. I know right, within just 2 months i got myself a new guy and got into a new drama again ): . I just trust love too much, so much, to the extend i believe when i give it my all, it will pay back and reward me the same, or even more than I have given. But, after this incident, it made me realize love don't work this way. You don't only take care of your own feelings and give it your all, you have to make sure your partner is doing the same thing and is on the right track, together on the same page with you. I used to think that all I have to do is take care of my own feelings and he'll take care on his own. But he went sideways, we weren't going on the same path and when we realised it, it was all too late. Damage done.

Honestly, we didn't date for long. Maybe just a month, so it might be stupid to say it's all too late. But i really fell so god damn bloody hard for this man, I don't even know how it happened. I don't even know how I can love someone so much, more than the previous guy within just a month. Of course, I had my insecurities before we all started. I asked if he really got over, if the feeling he has for me will last and if he has mistaken those feelings as love when maybe he likes me as a younger sister. But i guess, that's what made me fall for him so hard.. That he goes all his way out to assure me time and time again that he is clear of what he wants. And because of that, I decided to open up the gates and allow myself into the world of love again. We rushed into things and most of my friends disapproved of our relationship. But we were so certain of one another, we admit that it's fast but that's because it's meant to be, and that duration wouldn't make a big difference because we'll make it count in years to come.

I never felt so much love from someone within that 1 month with him, maybe because it's a mutual feeling back then and my life was practically rainbows and unicorns. I couldn't sleep well because I can't wait to be awake so that I can talk to him like how we just started talking, he would be replying promptly and all. I couldn't eat well because I'm feeling too much excitement thinking about having him in my life and that the rest of my life i'll be feeling this blissful. I feel pretty, and I look pretty. I received comments from friends that I've changed into someone that is even more bubbly than I already am, that i'm more lovable after meeting him and that I radiate happiness to people around me. And that's the power of love.

We reassured one another on a daily basis, he would go on telling me that he's so happy to have found me and that I have to stay safe and sound and wait for him to pamper me with all the love he can ever give. There was this period when I was at Taiwan and my hotel caught fire (turns out to be some guests smoking in the hotel room and it activated the fire alarm), the sirens were ringing and I dashed out my room in pyjamas, dragging my mom together with me and all I can think of is him. And when I escaped from the hotel, I immediately texted him because I was so afraid to not make it back safely. That's when he said I have to stay safe, come back to Singapore and wait for him. He is the first guy that automatically spend minutes to crop my photo and try to fit it perfectly as his iPhone wallpaper, he will request if i can take another selfie of myself so that the clock/time wouldn't block my face. He saved my thumbprint into his phone so that I can unlock his phone and check if i want to. He gave me his facebook password even without me asking because i stupidly liked his old photo while stalking him and he found out I have been stalking him, lol.

I never had a guy doing/telling me such stuff.

In every relationship of mine, I am the independent one. I do things on my own, shop on my own when my girlfriends are not free, I can survive with no incoming messages from my boyfriend, I can survive with meeting just once a week and not having phone calls at all. But this time round, it felt different. I became so clingy, i became so fascinated by the fact that "hey, this guy is mine!", it doesn't feel real to me that he's mine and he's serious about being mine. I became so afraid, so afraid of losing him because he had a history of 5 years with someone special and I was really feeling afraid that he might rekindle that part of him any day. And I guess that suffocated him as well, that I was so dependent on him and I was different from the Rinko he knew on the first day. And maybe because, he didn't felt love to begin with.

That very fateful night where my girlfriend came over to look for me because I was feeling so upset he didn't have time for me anymore. I could understand where he's coming from, I can understand why he's so busy and I don't blame him for a single bit. But I guess feel insecure and all I wanted to hear was "Hey baby, I'm sorry to put you through all this but I'll be back for you when I'm done with all the important stuff, I love you" All I need was a sentence like this to feel loved again. Because I trusted him that he loves me, that it comes to him naturally to reassure me, like how I reassure him all the time. And that night, I really thought it would make things better because we are gonna lay out all the problems and misunderstandings we have. But, things changed after that night. My heart died that night.

I wasn't expecting myself to hear things like what you've said, and the fascinating part was, i didn't feel you are not worth the fight even after you said those stuff. You will never say those stuff to her, you'll always prioritize her and make her feel love despite having so much on your plate. But it didn't matter to me at that point of time, all i wanted is to hear one "I love you" and I can forget all those "money vs rinko" things you have said. But it didn't come... I didn't get to hear my "I love you", not even until the very end when I already asked you straightforwardly if you do love me.

"Love is when I do nothing, yet you still love me. Just looking at me and you'll feel love. Just being around me is sufficient." That sentence that killed us, no, i mean killed me.

I woke him up and ended things with that statement of mine.

From calling me dear/baby to Rinko. From reassurance to apologies. From lovers to strangers. Flames to Dust.

Mommy is really right. From the very start, she kept asking me to be careful that your heart might not have left the original person. But i chose to believe you, believe that you were really over it and that you're ready for someone new. I don't blame you at all, because love couldn't be force. I'm just upset, upset why it has to be me. Upset why i have to go through this emotional trauma again. The second we ended things, what came into my mind was "Holy shit, How am i going to survive this. How am i going to make it through. How am I going to move on." I was so afraid I asked you "What should I do next?" and your reply was "Move on, you can do it because you're Rinko. you said it this morning, you're Rinko and there's nothing you can't do."

True enough, I make myself that way. I make myself believe that there's nothing I can't do and there's nothing that can bring me down. But you, brought me down to my lowest. To the point I shut myself up and I don't wish to open up to anyone again. Nobody is going to get to me, I don't want to go through love again. Because love is something whereby you give you all, there might still be a chance you get nothing back in return.

Day 2 was worse, I slept for 2 hours and broke the news to my mom right after i woke up. And she told me its my fault, for wanting so much from you. I admit that, i should have dealt with my own insecurities, I should have trusted that you loved me. But why I couldn't do it? Because what you felt for me wasn't love all along the while. It was a facade, a love facade that even you couldn't tell. They say a girl's sixth sense is very accurate. And that's why i wanted so much assurance from you, because I couldn't feel your love. Anyhow, I wanted one last try, I didn't want to give you up just like that because you're worthy enough, worthy enough to make me fight for you.

You said no. You gave up on me.

I thought i was brave because all i felt was pain but at the very least, I wasn't crying. You occupied my entire mind and suddenly, this thought came by like "Hey Rinko, at least you're not crying anymore, maybe it isn't that bad, you didn't cry like how you cried for Iv." I slowly informed all my friends that we ended and reassured them I'm gonna be okay. Until this person, and he made me collapse right away. He's there since the very first day and even up till today, he's still here for me. That person is Wei hao. I remembered him asking me how I am feeling and I said "miserable" and he replied "have you cried for today?" and my reply was "no", he then said "woah, jialat lah, you can't even cry now!? hurt to the extend your tear ducts malfunction ah" and it struck me. I sat down for a whole 2 minutes to figure out other than pain, what kind of feelings I have. Suddenly, fear overwhelmed me. I don't even know what I am afraid of, or is there even something for me to be afraid of when the worst has already happened. I am afraid of the next second, afraid of feeling the heartache, afraid of the days ahead of me and I feel so helpless. I don't know what I can do, what i can do to feel better, to feel not happy but just neutral, to just feel neutral.

I called weihao and when he said "Hello. Just cry Rinko, i'm even more worried when you're talking to me normally like nothing has happened." And that' was one of the worst cries I can ever have in my entire life. I feel so broken, I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't even open my eyes and i just laid on the cold hard floor crying and crying nonstop, as loud as I can be, like a baby. Screaming "WHAT DO I DO NOW. I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN, CAN YOU HELP ME WEIHAO CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME. IM DYING" repeatedly. The other side of the phone call was silent, he didn't say anything. Not even "hush hush, it's gonna be okay." After perhaps 120381 years (maybe just 15 minutes), from crying it became sobbing. That's when he spoke. "Rinko, are you done now? Is it worth it now? You're crying so hard until you don't sound like yourself and that guy out there is living his life as though you didn't matter to him. He didn't even shed a tear for you. He don't even care. Do you think it's worth it now? You said you worth so much more, but you're crying for someone who couldn't be bothered to patch you up. Are you done already?"

It was one of the worse day of my 21 years of life.

The days after the break up wasn't easy, but it does get better. Now i'm at the third week mark. Every morning, I still wake up thinking of him. Yes, every morning. But from crying, it became sobbing to now, just a tinge of pain. From mourning over my long gone love for half a day after waking up, to 30 minutes, to 15 minutes, to 10 minutes to now, less than 5. From having you in my mind whole day to now, only when I see sweet couple or when I drink Koi, when I visit Starbucks, when i alight at my house bus stop and stand at where you will stand when you smoke and before I sleep. I couldn't bear to delete all our photos, so it's still in my photo album, maybe you already have deleted all of our photos... I still think of you, but the frequency is lesser. And it will get lesser and lesser, as long as I tell myself to be brave and move forward, it can be baby steps, nobody is rushing me.

It's may sound stupid to you, because you prolly don't feel anything when you have a 5 years relationship for you to mourn about, why would you even bother with this 1 month old relationship for a girl whom you don't even love. But it means a great deal to me, this 1 month meant a great deal to me. It isn't the longest I had, it's the shortest to be honest. But it's one of the greatest love I've experienced in my 21 years of life. I may take even more than 5 weeks to fully get over you because you gave me so much more within just that 6 weeks of knowing you to the point I dated you, more than what Iv has given me for the past 5 months. To me, duration really means nothing. 13 months relationship vs. 5 years relationship vs. 1 month relationship.

I know I'm not the best you can find. I'm not pretty, smart, rich, sexy but all that didn't matter to you, i know. My attitude wasn't the best too, I throw my temper at you when you're being sweet to tell me I don't need colour contacts and make up to look beautiful, I look beautiful the way I am. Yet, I can doubt your love for me by saying you don't love me for who I am because I am someone who loves colour contacts and makeup. Thank you, I've learnt my lesson. To never throw temper just to get attention. It's wrong of me to start something out of a mole hill.

You're the first guy who have thrown me down from great heights yet I couldn't bring myself to hate you, even after you spoke to my friend and was downright honest with your words. Because I appreciate it, I appreciate the fact that you respect me enough to give me the truth, to hope I can move on without you. To not let me harbour any other hopes of getting back together with you. Honestly, if not for my friend, I would have waited for you because we always talk about girlfriend/wife material and the girlfriend material will definitely wait and not leave you when you're in deep shit. You said I'm the wife material. I wanted to be there for you, i really want to. All I need is your love, just telling me "I love you" from the bottom of your heart can make me go on one whole day. But I can never hear that from you because there's no love to begin with.

I'm still getting over you, slowly but surely. I'm sorry I've been having alot of sad posts on my instagram and facebook. I couldn't help it, I couldn't keep it in. It says what I feel and I really need to get it off my mind.

Some days may be hard to get by such as my mom's birthday because I was planning to invite you over to celebrate together with my mom. My graduation was the hard one. I really wasn't looking forward to it because scumbag brain kept replaying the scenes of you at my graduation ceremony, running around helping me and taking photos with me. I had a lot of plans when we were still together, like on my graduation day I'll take a photo with you and post it on my Instagram, it's the day I'll show you off on my cyber space because you're the best I can ever have and I want people to know you're mine. It didn't came through.

But I found something that's worthy enough of my love and smile. My friends. People who came to my graduation without me inviting. I didn't invite anyone because I didn't want to celebrate it as it reminds me of you. You were the only one that i invited and before i invite my friends, we ended things so I didn't thought of celebrating my graduation anymore. But they came, with sunflowers, bears, polaroids, cards, hello kitty and well wishes. They came and made me smile and laugh while taking comical posey shoots. That 1.5hour graduation ceremony with my friends made me forget about you totally, and it was many weeks after you left, the first time i felt genuinely happy. Weihao came and he texted me right after my graduation, "Hey, you know today you look beautiful because it has been long. your smile has been gone for so long and it's finally back today. I finally got to see you smiling and laughing after your break up." ;) I wasn't a good host because I was practically running around taking photos with my friends. Wei hao had to entertain my parents for me, take care of my bags and at the same time be my part-time photographer (before angeline came). I will leave my thank you to my friends for my next post okay, since I'll be blogging about my graduation soon!

There are many more occasions we promised to celebrate together. You going back to reservist and how I will go to your house and wash your uniform with you because I wanna do all the little things together with you. My birthday, how you will buy pastel colour apparels and run errands with me because you're gonna be my male host. Your birthday and Xmas, how I promise I will not buy you only 1 gift but two, one for birthday and one for Xmas. The movies that you booked me in advance because you don't wanna watch with anybody else. The macdonald hello kitty doll that we promised to collect it together, remember me saying "Baby! We are gonna eat Mac for 5 weeks okay!!!" :).

It's not gonna be easy forgetting you totally. But one day, I'll be able to do it. One day, it wouldn't hurt that much anymore. One day, i'll be able to think of you and smile that we had a short, but sweet 1 month relationship. Movie dates are never gonna be that good anymore because I'll never have someone to share his jacket with me and cuddle me while we watch the movie. But it's okay. You have taught me a great deal of stuff.

I have grown immune to love, I don't believe in finding the one that appreciates and stays by my side be it good or bad times anymore. I don't believe in whatever a guy says to me, because basically I've became one of the girls out on the streets that stopped believing in love. But that's not a bad thing, because you taught me how to protect myself, i am saying this from the bottom of my heart and it's not sarcasm. I don't do sarcasm. you taught me to learn how to love myself first, even before loving and giving myself to someone. And that the right one will go all out to win me over. Even when he's having a lot on his plate, he would still make space for me and do the minimum assurance he has to. I will take things slow in the future and be very, very, careful with my heart.

I wanna say thanks to all my friends who have been there for me since day 1, you know who you're. thank you for being there 24/7 anytime when I need, just a phone call and you'll be down hearing me cry. Thank you so much, I really don't know what I've done in my previous life to deserve friends like you guys. I love all of you so much and really, next time you need help, anytime just call me, i'll be there to help as much as i can.

I really wish you all the best in whatever you do, be it studies or work or Muay Thai. Do take very good care of yourself and have enough rest. No, i'm saying this because a normal person will show care and concern even to a stranger, let alone a guy that made me fall head over heels. I am glad I was able to make you realize how much she mean to you and that nobody can ever take over her place. At least, there wouldn't be another girl taking my place to feel the pain after you met me because you know you'll only want that particular one in your life.

Thank you for being mine for 6 weeks, it's one of the best times i could ever have in my life and I will not have it any other way.

I loved you.

Goodbye, favourite boy.